LYLA INTERRUPTED- Transforming my sacred wounds!
Hi, It’s been a while since I have been away from social media, the longest I have till now, 5+ months… Though I am back on IG but I have just been very silent, as it’s still very overwhelming for me and I think I will take some more time to be out there. I know my Instagram Family has been worried about my sudden disappearance and I want to answer all your questions…
This is the first time I am writing a blog, and I am sure to make grammatical and other sorts of errors in my language as this isn’t my first language, nor that my first is my best, I am one of those who hasn’t tasted her mother tongue either. Yeah! that’s another story, will keep that for some other time.. So, feel free to correct me (mind it, only grammar and language, unsolicited advice isn’t welcome here!!!) So let’s start….I wanted to make it an interesting story by mixing the sequence of ‘beginning’, ‘end’ and ‘in between’ but chronology took over.
P.S. : it’s going to be long read, I have divided it in parts so you can read it at ease. There are some graphic imagery that might be triggering for some. So read at your own risk.
It’s been a year since the tragic incident (or I should say one of the tragedies), and I am glad I survived and I am abled now to tell you all my story.
CAT’S GIFT TO ME
SURPRISSSSEEEEE……..that’s what the cat must have said!
On September 27th, 2018 I met my ex-employer after taking almost 20 days of sick leave and told him that I wouldn’t be able to continue as I felt terribly ill mentally and didn’t have a vocabulary at that time to understand what was it. It did feel like depression but how much did I even understand ‘depression’ back then. I left his office with a blank canvas, not knowing what would I be doing with it. The same eve, we were to have our first vegan community potluck in Jaipur, about which I was really excited as I was stepping out after being glued to my bed for nearly 30 days.I was still contemplating what would I be doing with the blank canvas? We focus so much on the “doing” than just “being”, right? The meet was indeed very nourishing for the tummy and the heart. I left with a little gift from our host’s cat: a little scratch on my wrist.
It was just a little mark which I ignored how we ignore our bruises until they become deep wounds. And thats exactly what happened with me. Next day, it started to swell and burn and eventually I couldn’t lift my hand, it was excruciatingly painful. It had become a puss laden, ugly, swollen wound.
I was resistant to take medication as I was certain that it could be healed naturally. Since the cat was a pet and had been vaccinated so I didn’t feel the need to be injected. I kept trying all the natural remedies but nothing worked, in fact the infection just spread to my hand, calf, hip, under thighs, I had painful puss boils everywhere that made it impossible for me to move, I couldn’t even walk up till the bathroom by my self. I had to even cancel my exhibition in Bangalore which I was so looking forward to. But universe had some other plans for me, rather I should say the ‘Cat’ ;). After 15 days of bearing that excruciating pain I decided to consult a doctor as it appeared to be an acute disease. A series of medicines, blood tests,biopsy, etc. started. I had become a case study for the MBBS students, they suspected it to be Cat Scratch Disease which is quite rare especially in India, thankfully it wasn’t. This was indeed a gift in disguise. I knew this isn’t something happening just at a physiological level, it ought to be something deep, my emotional state was determining my physical state and I could sense that deeply. While I had plans to work with my blank canvas universe was telling me to just be with the canvas and see the underline layers that were hidden underneath.
I have been constantly shooing away and ignoring my emotional wounds and traumas since 2014 and the much deeper childhood wounds that have been buried under many unknown layers. And this time I had literally fallen on my face when I had no option but to face all my past emotional wounds. Though after my major collapse in September 2018 I did feel the need to do so but as soon as I felt little better I wanted to get back to “doing” , after all doing “nothing” is rarely encouraged. And who wants to do that inner work by themselves, we just want it to get fixed somehow, from outside. So, what my mind couldn’t do itself, the cat did it! I was forced to face my demons while my body was glued to the bed. I had horrific nightmares, sleepless nights, I wouldn’t stop crying, constant suicidal thoughts, and all this wasn’t new. I have been feeling like this on and off for the past 10 years or so, but this time it was more intense. I kept questioning myself if at all it’s possible that I have been in depression for more than 10 years now and I just never knew it, like is that even possible, how could I not know it, how could anyone around me not know it. “Should I consider seeking professional help? But it’s all in my mind right so I can fix it, I can heal myself, after all I knew so many meditation techniques, healing rituals, etc etc.. Or may be I should try some alternate therapy like reiki, pranic healing etc…may be it’s just a phase”, conversations I would have with the self. But I was sick and tired of these phases, it felt like an infinite loop.And I wanted to break this loop. CAT’S SCRATCH SURFACED MY PAST WOUNDS.
Around mid November 2018, I felt slightly better, my external wounds had started to heal, though it left a huge scar which is still there, it now acts as a reminder to the self to take utmost care of myself. I was still in dilemma of seeking professional help that’s when a dear friend and mentor told me that I should certainly consider seeking help, he said “friends and family are like nurses, they could feed you, give you medicines but can’t treat you like a doctor, and you need a doctor who isn’t a friend”. I so wish I had imbibed his words and not learnt it the hard way. It costed me a precious friendship, some blood and bruises and a permanent scar in my heart. Yes, you did your math right, I attempted suicide on November 22nd, 2018 by cutting my wrist. When that didn’t work, I banged my head against the floor constantly and later tried to hang myself from the fan but fortunately my house’s ceiling is too high, I couldn’t reach. I also tried various ways to knot my neck with the duppatta. I failed at all of it. For the first time may be I was happy to have failed. I was extremely grateful the next morning for being alive and extremely guilty of treating this precious abode of mine, my body, which has been gifted to me, so badly. I was adamant enough to consult a professional therapist that time. I wished I hadn’t listened to my friend who claims herself to be a healer (no offence she might be great at her work) but that deterred me from seeking professional help. Nevertheless, you ought to learn some lessons the hard way.
I spoke to a therapist suggested by a friend over phone and she asked me to consult a psychiatrist. Frankly speaking I didn’t understand the difference amongst a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist, counsellor, etc….back then. She insisted that I would need to take medicines and you know how much I dislike taking allopathy meds. She made me understand that why it was necessary for me to take the support of medicines as my rational brain didn’t have the capacity to comprehend and that no therapy would work till I feel stable enough to think rationally. I took her advice and started my hunt for a woman psychiatrist. Why woman? Well, my issues were related to GBV (Gender Based Violence) so I thought it would be safe to confide in a woman.
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MY FIRST DATE WITH A PSYCHIATRIST
On December 6th, 2018 my sister took me to a psychiatrist in Delhi which came through my sister’s trusted source as I didn’t want to simply depend on google. My first impression of her was not that great as she turned up 45 mins later from the scheduled time.I was almost prepared to yell at her for not respecting other people’s time. But her generosity and her softness did some magic. I gave in and surrendered myself fully.In half an hour she understood my condition and prescribed some meds and declared that I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), I asked what does it mean and if it’s same as clinical depression? She discouraged me to get into the labels and all, but hell yeah! I needed to know what was it right? So yeah, MDD/clinical depression it was and that it would take 6–12 months minimum to cure with therapy and meds. I was just amazed that it took her just 30 mins to make that diagnosis by just having a glimpse of my world. My heart didn’t feel right, there was a voice which said that something is not right here..at that time I just trusted her fully and went on with what all she asked me to do. The meds went on for a couple of months, she had asked me to consult a clinical psychologist. Again I wasn’t aware of the terminology back then.
SEARCH FOR A THERAPIST
Since I wasn’t aware of the terminology and the distinction so I didn’t even see what she wrote in my prescription. My first choice was to go back to the first therapist I had consulted since that too came from a very trusted source, it was my trusted source then. So, I did that, we had our first session and I was quite happy with the questions she asked me, she encouraged me to ask questions and make notes etc… but after hearing me out, her honest advice to me was to consult a therapist with whom I could have one on one sessions, in person as online at that stage wouldn’t have worked for me. In fact it was she who brought it to my awareness that I needed to consult a clinical psychologist as per my psychiatrist, and not any other kind of therapist, and she wasn’t a clinical psychologist. SIGH! So, my hunt for a clinical psychologist began….. I asked friends around, posted on IG, and I wanted a reference as google was still not my first preference. After a lot of back and forth and dealing with unsolicited advice on how yoga, meditation , etc can heal anything and everything and it’s all in my control…blah blah.. I zeroed down on a few doctors and called them. By then I had started to educate myself on the terminology and I fairly understood the difference. Just when I had lost all hopes, I got a lead from my friend’s psychologist. And fortunately her clinic was very close to my house as it was challenging for me to even step out of the house.
I started my sessions with her, she gave me a lot of home work which kind of helped. We did a personality test, it was questionnaire of some 175 questions.. phew! My personality falls in cluster B called as Borderline Personality, as per her I had traits of Borderline Personality and it wasn’t a disorder.Hold on to this for now, I will explain it in detail later. She told me a few things to do whenever I had an urge to harm myself. It did help for sometime. My sessions lasted for almost two hours and I would feel so drained that I wouldn’t have any desire to do anything after that.
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EUPHORIA
In January of 2019 Aru and I got selected for TIRAF 2019, an anti art fair in Delhi. We created a Shrine Of Vaginas , I was thrilled, as there had been a huge gap in my work due to all these depressive episodes. And suddenly I felt all pepped up, this project brought a new energy in me. Also it was my first art collaboration. I was fully occupied throughout Jan and half Feb with it. Since the project was in Delhi so there was a break in my therapy. Frankly I didn’t feel a need for the same. I couldn’t understand that how could MDD just disappeared, or did it went undercover for the time being as euphoria took over. I couldn’t meet my psychiatrist also in Delhi during that time, our timings didn’t match. She later asked me to consult her male colleague as she was unavailable. My response was obviously NO. I felt I was ok then and could continue without meds.
Soon after my exhibition I left for Bombay with my mother and brother to attend a family wedding, and I was just in a good mood in general. And thought everything was ok and under control. I had some lovely time with my mother in Bombay, finding some time to sneak out and go to the beach while my brother was asleep. Ha Ha.. what fun it was.. My mother loves beaches but rarely gets to see one for real.
ALMOST KISSED THE JAIL, TWICE!
What happened post that was very alarming. We were detained at the Mumbai airport as I had a tiff with a CISF personnel on not treating my brother with respect and not valuing the autonomy of people like my brother who cant voice out for themselves, I was taken to the police station and had to go through a lot of trauma after that. Well, thats another chapter that I would like to share some other time may be. As soon as I was back in Jaipur, I resumed my sessions with my therapist…. She explained me that I couldn’t afford to go off medication and that I need to consult a psychiatrist locally. And I was like, Uff…. another drill again… She recommended to consult the psychiatrist at the same centre she works at,so he basically owns and runs that centre but it was a ‘HE’ and not ‘SHE’.. I trusted my therapist as she assured that she would be present there and will take care of it. I was zapped by his first question, he asked me what’s the difference between a man and a woman? And I was like, WHHHAAATTTTT?? He later drew xx and xy chromosomes and said that’s it, thats the only biological difference we have.. I felt utterly disgusted and thought to myself if I have come to a shitty gender class or what? He later acknowledged and empathised a bit expressing his pain towards the disparity between genders. I decided to listen to him authentically and not to judge him so easily.His diagnosis of me too didn’t make much sense to me, he said I had mild depression and anxiety. I was like, how come my major depression became mild so easily marked by an intense state of euphoria in between. My gut again said that something was incomplete and incorrect. I decided to gave in and went ahead with the new set of meds. As I was walking out of his clinic I was wanting a sign if I would really want to have him treat me? And BAM!!! Universe just did that at the right time, he stopped me and asked me to remove my lenses, I didn’t get it in one go so he repeated, I asked “lenses of??? gender??” and he said “YESSSSS” with a big grin on his ugly pumpkin like annoying face.. Huh! Yes I am judging him right now and I will, this is not how you talk to anyone yet alone with someone who has mental illness. I immediately went in my therapist cabin and told her that I will not follow his prescription. I had an urge to go back to him ask him to take some classes on empathy. I left the place feeling disgusted and annoying.
I continued with my therapy sessions and kept my search on for a woman psychiatrist. Just when I was at the verge of giving up, another alarming incident happened. I vividly remember, I had excruciating headache one day, like severe migraine attack it was and I couldn’t bear the loud irritating noise of machines being used at the construction site, opposite our house, which in fact we had been bearing for almost 1.5 years. I went across with my friend and requested them to shut it for just one hour explaining them my condition. Obviously in India at least, labour class has no autonomy to take such a decision. We requested the owners to do so, they were highly apathetic. Money was more important that a person’s well being. Alas! the sad reality we live in. I felt so furious that I wanted to throw stones at their brand new house out of my helplessness. I would have certainly been behind bars had my friend didn’t stop me. WHY? The owner was a senior police officer, in charge of some 40+ police stations. BRAVO LYLA!!! I told myself. Of course I didn’t stop then I instantly came up and started to look for noise pollution norms, construction guidelines, downloaded dB metre apps, wrote letter to Pollution Control Board and so on… And just after this on women’s day I experienced super intense mood shifts and emotions within the same day. 12 hours appeared like 12 days. Both these incidents were alarming, I knew it wasn’t my true self, that I wouldn’t react with such rage and violence otherwise. I wanted to get to the root of it and understand what’s happening in this complex brain of mine. Another friend who is a mental health advocate advised me to meet Dr. Mayank. I was obviously resistant initially as I was all the more certain to have a “SHE” psychiatrist after my terrible previous experience. But, I decided to go, as it is I had no other option and this was a direct reference .. hence..
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NEW DISCOVERIES
You understand how taxing it is to repeat your story, your traumas again and again…I had to really brace myself up in order to show up to Dr. Mayank. I am so glad I chose to do so. I had an intense 2.5 hours session with him talking about my history, trauma, abuse, etc.. and he made a 5 page report. I was pretty satisfied with his style of working. Who gives a diagnosis based on a 30 min chat, like really??? Uff..I am so glad to have found Dr. Mayank. He told me that my diagnosis was incorrect and that I was put on wrong medication, which had actually aggravated my moods and made me more agitated resulting in those intense episodes. My new diagnosis according to him was Bipolar Disorder 2 (BD 2), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).Sounds heavy huh! I had a similar response. Let me explain each one of it. It’s important to understand. I know they could just be ‘labels’ for some people and I agree that they don’t define you but they are a part of you. And how much research you do when you choose a brand/ a label that resonates with your personality? Then why not do the same here, when it’s about your own brain.
WHAT IS BIPOLAR, BPD and PTSD/C-PTSD?
Bipolar Disorder is a brain disorder causing one’s mood to swing between two poles: Depression to Hypomania/Mania with normal moods in between. Whereas most of us experience some sort of mood shifts, the mood swings in Bipolar Disorder are extreme and can affect a person’s ability to carry out day to day tasks. These moods range from periods of extremely “up,” elated, and energised behaviour (known as manic episodes) to very sad, “down,” or hopeless periods (known as depressive episodes). Less severe manic periods are known as hypomanic episodes. Bipolar Disorder is of two types: Bipolar I Disorder and Bipolar II Disorder. Bipolar I is having episodes of mania and depression. Bipolar II would be episodes of depression and hypomania. Click here to learn more about the two types.
Now, it may occur to some that it is in our control to regulate our moods, after all it’s all in our head, right?And we can just find ways to shift our moods by watching a nice film, going for a walk, talking to a friend, having sex, eat scrumptious food, etc etc.. sadly, thats not the case with bipolar affected people. The reason for Bipolar Disorder is unknown yet, but in simple language, there is a chemical locha in the brain, it’s considered genetic, but that doesn’t mean that it’s been passed on to you by your ancestors, those set of genes could be present in you as well, just that they didn’t combine to form this gene which causes BD as it did in my case.It usually happens at the onset of puberty. So, yeah I have had BD since the age of 15–16, it only got diagnosed now. My psychiatrist said that I have been on fire most of my life and it’s only now that it would start to mellow down. The lack of awareness and stigma that we have around mental health is clearly evident here, it took almost 15 years for me to have this diagnosis even though there is a history of psychiatric illness in my family. My grandfather had committed suicide which by the way I got to know only few years back. Families sometimes do more harm by hiding such critical things in the guise of protecting their children. Though psychiatric illness is not always the reason for someone to commit suicide. But my heart says it was in his case, it was his third attempt when he finally succeeded. I know of many people who got a late diagnosis, as late as 30 years, even 40 in some cases. Sigh!
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition characterised by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event.
In order to receive a diagnosis for BPD, a person has to have at least five of the following nine tendencies:
- Severe mood swings
- Profound Fear Of abandonment
- Instability in relationships
- Unstable sense of identity
- Paranoia or dissociative episodes
- Excessive and Frequent Anger
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Impulsive Behaviour
- Recurring suicide threats or attempts
And I have all of these 9 symptoms. In short BPD is a personality disorder and BD is a mood disorder. In Bipolar a person may experience either one polarity of the mood spectrum for a particular period of time, a week, a month or may be a year but in BPD one experiences severe mood shifts within a day, feeling extreme anger to extreme happiness to extreme depression. They see everything as black and white, it’s difficult to come in the grey area. To have BPD and BD together is like a Molotov cocktail.
I hope you can make sense to my impulsive behaviour that could have landed me in prison. And to all my friends and family who have had one constant complain against me that I don’t take calls or respond to their messages in time, I too failed to have an answer for such a behaviour of mine, but now I do, impairments of interpersonal functioning are central to BPD. So, pardon me for my behaviour, it wasn’t intentional, I was’t trying to ignore you. And now that I have this awareness I am trying my best to work on it. A request to all my well wishers, I need your support to heal myself, so if I don’t take your calls, please text or send an email, I may take a long time to respond sometimes but please don’t give up on me, instead send a message again with a little bit of empathy. Thank You. :)
Lastly, what is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychiatric disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.Symptoms may include nightmares or flashbacks, avoidance of situations that bring back the trauma, heightened reactivity to stimuli, anxiety or depressed mood.
People with PTSD have changes in areas of their brain like the amygdala and hippocampus. At a physical level the DNA of the brain changes, so you are not the same person after having a traumatic experience. Now, imagine what would happen if you have had series of such traumas one after the another without having time to address and heal through? BAM!!! you are a broken self.
Now, what is Complex- PTSD? As Dr. Tracey Marks explains C-PTSD is not an official diagnosis in the psychiatric diagnostic manual, instead it’s called as a construct or a term used to describe a different kind of experience that a person has from chronic traumatic experiences that occur over time.It’s usually trauma that starts in childhood, and this could be either physical, emotional or sexual abuse.It can even result from neglect.And because the neglect or abuse is occurring during the extremely vulnerable development years the trauma shapes your development and your personality.It’s like you have a fractured self. And people suffering from this can spend years trying to mend the fracture.So unlike a person with PTSD who may be having flashbacks and refusing to drive or jumping every time they hear a loud noise, with C-PTSD you see more behavioural things like relationship difficulties, poor self esteem, anger problems, mood instability. The person with C-PTSD can develop a depression or anxiety secondary to these problems but at the core is the issue of this ‘fractured self’ that came from a serious emotional disruption during the formative years. So the baggage from all that trauma ends up being hard wired into you and this hard wiring affects how you respond to the world.
So, yeah that’s my diagnosis now. I am presently on medication and seeking psychotherapy. Oh! did I tell you that I had to change my therapist too. So, after my new diagnosis when I shared that with my previous clinical psychologist, she didn’t resonate fully with my psychiatrist’s analysis of me. In fact she denied the fact that I have Bipolar and told me that she would be treating just my BPD which also she would refer as Borderline Personality Traits and not a Disorder. It’s considered a disorder if your SFO- Social Financial and Occupational lives become dysfunctional.Which in my case was 100% true, there were instances when I had no money to pay for my rent and I had to ship some of my art works to a client which could have given me enough money to sustain myself for a month and I just couldn’t do it, I lost that contract, and lost many many such opportunities along the way. I didn’t feel like continuing with her as it’s crucial for me that my psychiatrist and therapist are in alignment. Also, I would always feel drained out after my session with her, I would be totally dysfunctional on those days, whereas I would feel so light after meeting my psychiatrist. Dr. Mayank brought a beautiful awareness that one should feel therapeutic after walking out of a therapy session, of course there would be rough days too but there should be a sense of lightness. Hence I decided to discontinue my sessions with her (this was in March). And then I had another anxiety of finding a psychotherapist. I didn’t need a clinical psychologist now. I did the whole drill again and tried a couple of therapists online, I had lost my hopes of finding a suitable therapist for myself in Jaipur. Nothing really worked out and I was tired of repeating my story and reliving the traumas. Dr. Mayank said a remarkable thing, “it’s good to have no therapist rather than having a bad therapist” so, I decided to take a break from my hunt and take it easy.
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WHERE DID I DISAPPEAR?
This section is dedicated specially to my IG Fam, Where did I disappear since May 2019? I had hit the rock bottom of my depression, at least I hope it was rock bottom, won’t be able to handle anything worse than that. I had a severe depressive episode that lasted for almost 2 months. I was glued to my bed, simple tasks like brushing the teeth, bathing, etc.. became extremely challenging. I would often wake up and get confused if I should eat, brush or bathe? The mind was constantly clogged. What I will say now might shock some of you especially to those who have witnessed my food and wellness journey. I was on a binge eating spreeee…. Yes you read it right.. I was putting junk in my body almost everyday, binging on 2–3 pastries/ waffles, maggie, sandwiches etc. in order to fill up my emotional void.And the worst part was that I didn’t even enjoy it, I was simply gulping it trying to fill my emptiness, and I was aware of it but just couldn’t stop, which was all the more triggering as I had the knowledge of what it could do to my body and to me. Yet I felt utterly helpless.
My sleep had obviously gone for a toss, internet was my biggest distraction. Can you guess the no. of hours I would spent in front of this small black mirror? 15–18 hours a day… Yeah! I just couldn’t break my sleep-activity cycle. I was afraid to go out all by myself, I couldn’t walk till my neighbours house, which is literally 30 steps from my room, I would be escorted by someone. I felt disconnected with my friends and family as no one understood me and my illness. It dawned on me that how much do I understand my illness? I started to use my internet addiction a bit to my advantage and started watching videos and films on Bipolar, BPD, etc. That gave me hope, and a sense of belonging that I am not alone in this.
I am so grateful to a friend’s friend who introduced me to the PAN India Peer Support Group for people with Bipolar Disorder and their caregivers. We are a family of some 300+ people now connected on whatsapp. Our admin, Mr. Vijay Nallawala has done some incredible work for our community. Do check out the website www.bipolarindia.com , it also has a caregiver manual. Caregivers play a very crucial role, without their support our lives would get worse. And they too need constant support and empathy, after all it’s highly taxing to live and care for someone with such intense mental illnesses.
As I am writing this and recollecting the instances that occurred in those 2–3 months (May-July) it seems like it was somebody else only. How could have I done all that. I broke my favourite ceramic pot, a matka, threw some 15 tender coconuts from first floor to the ground, woke up at midnight and hit my naked body with a leather belt. I left my home several times, went to the railway station, contemplated on lying on the railway track, urged to go somewhere, to someone who could understand and hold me, but had nowhere and no one to go to. I would feel caged inside my body, would often shake myself in the middle of the night, wanted to free myself from this body. The worst part was my constant desire to overdose my self with Lithium, the mood stabiliser that I have been prescribed to. So, Lithium can be very fatal if overdosed, it can lead one to coma or death. Thus I wasn’t allowed to keep my meds with me. Fortunately I wouldn’t get it so easily at the pharmacies near me and driving 15 km in peak summers would just refrain me to do so, heat wasn’t that of an issue, driving was, I couldn’t navigate my way properly, I would miss seeing vehicles etc. and there was a fear of getting triggered by something and catching fights etc. But at times I did manage to get them at night, once even at 3:30am but never overdosed. This is when I really wanted to start my therapy. I resumed my search, thanks to my PGS (Peer Group Support) I was introduced to Sandy Dias Andrade. I started my sessions with her in July and continue to do so even now. So, far it’s been good, though online isn’t the best medium but it’s still better than having no support. I often feel that I am falling and going back to zero but Sandy taught me that I am not, it appears as if it’s rock bottom again, but it isn’t and that PROGRESS IS NEVER LINEAR.
LOSING FRIENDSHIPS
In this past one year, I broke up with a couple of friends, who were really dear to me, but I realise that the death of those toxic relationships were necessary for my growth. I didn’t realise that I had a tendency of putting people on a pedestal and seek validation from them often ignoring my inner voice. Now, I understand it’s because of BPD, I am more aware now and value myself and my inner child.
Some of you must be wondering that how come all of this happened so suddenly, or that it never appeared that I could have such issues etc. Well, nothing happens suddenly, we are just not aware while it’s happening. Like we aren’t conscious of our breath but when it stops even for half a second we realise it’s value and pay attention to what led that to happen. So, November 22,2018 wasn’t the first time I physically harmed myself. Of course I have tried to numb myself by overdosing on meds several times since my adolescence but the first time I tried to harm my self physically was in 2016, I ran a sharp pair of scissors on my forearm. But I ignored it like an accident so did my loved ones around me.
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WHAT YOU CAN DO :
If you are reading this, a heart felt thank you to you for taking your precious time out and honouring my story. It really matters to me. To all my friends and well wishers who have often expressed their desire to support me or people like me, I just have two things to say to you.
- Educate yourself on your loved ones mental illness. Invest your time in reading, watching videos about it. That’s the only way you can really understand the depth of it.
- Empathy. The greatest of all virtues.
If you ever happen to speak to someone who survived an attempted suicide and they survived,they will actually tell you that they are very glad they lived, and that they got another chance. So people not necessarily want to die when they harm themselves in some way, it is very often an expression of distress, hopelessness. Yes, we do need support and authentic listening, that doesn’t mean you have to solve or fix anything, just BE. We want to be truly understood, and thats it. Empathy is the greatest gift you can give us.
Let’s pledge to end the stigma around mental health. Be more sensitive towards ourselves and towards people fighting their battles. If you notice any signs of depression, mood shifts, etc. in your loved ones, please encourage them to seek professional help. Remember depression is different from sadness. Opposite of depression is not happiness it’s vitality. Another myth is that talking about suicide is a bad idea and can be interpreted as encouragement. That’s not true at all. So, if you have a friend who is distressed please ask , “are you feeling suicidal?”you might actually save a life that day. Ok! that’ it for now. This can be another post all together.
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GRATITUDE
I will end this by saying, THANK YOU to all those who stood by me, supported me, loved me, prayed for me, it’s truly your blessings that helped me survived. I am in a stable state right now, remission as we call it in mental health lingo. And the great news is that I travelled for three months all by myself. So, full three months of taking care of the self while carrying 200 LiCARB tablets.. ha ha.. that’s a huge accomplishment. My creative juices are flowing now and you will soon hear and watch me create some great stuff. Thank you for holding my vulnerability with care. :*
There are some specific people whom I would like to thank, I truly believe their contribution has made my journey a bit easier. @sanyunkta , @mrigtrishna, @arubose, @neha chaturvedi, @shammi nanda, @meghna prakash, @ Erroll Pires my peer support group: esp. Vijay Nallawala, Nishi and Sheetal. Lastly, THAC, I would have not survived if I hadn’t have the wisdom of nature’s law and how Self Care is Health Care is Earth Care. Much much gratitude to Dr. Vijaya Venkat for bringing this awareness and for Navina and Anju for enlightening us with this precious wisdom.
